Lockdown Limbo

Oh look, Megan is writing about the lockdown, again!

Yes, I am very much aware of the tedious topic. I am sure some folk must be sick of reading about this just as I am sick of living like this.

Things are getting worse here. So much so that lockdown got extended. Now, the stay at home order will remain until the middle of February. Even then, it seems more than likely that it will continue for longer than that.

You would think after all this time that I would have learned how to cope, but nope. If anything, I am doing worse than ever before.

In a way, I anticipated this. I tend to be very low during January. The lockdown only exasperated that.

I feel like I am losing myself. I feel like fragments of my soul are being ripped out of me, day by day. Until all that remains will be an empty shell of a former person.

I feel like I am stuck in purgatory. A lockdown limbo. Nothing changing, just the same stale situation every day. I don’t know what is more rotten, the weather or my mood.

I have noticed some shifts in myself that I don’t like. I am becoming more irritable, less inspired and overall barely functioning. I’m sleeping less and less, drinking more caffeine to keep awake during the day. Which in turn, makes the cycle repeat.

I feel fragile. Somedays I cry for no reason or a dumb reason. One day at lunch the TV was playing a commercial, I just burst into tears. I am trying to avoid emotional books and games since I can’t handle them right now.

The rest of my family is also feeling the strain of lockdown. We are all under a lot of stress and all our nerves are fried. So, we have been arguing a fair bit. It has gotten to the point that I somewhat avoid them to try to prevent fights. Tensions are high during the week, adding to the obsessive mood.

I know I sound like a defeatist, but I am trying to get out of this funk. Somedays I am successful.

I’ve learned it is the little things that help the most. Cups of tea, burning candles and distracting myself with a game or book. Keeping busy tends to work too, whether with projects or study. I try my best to keep to a routine.

On good days, I stick to my routine and feel decently human. Maybe even laugh or smile.

However, some days I can’t bring myself to do anything. Emotional fatigue drains my will to do anything. On my worst days, I can’t feel a thing. That empty feeling is slowly becoming the norm. That is the scary bit.

Starting next week, I am going to try to get out of the house a bit. Go on a walk or something. Hopefully, that will help.

I hope you are faring better than I am.

5 thoughts on “Lockdown Limbo

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  1. Its OK to feel the way you feel. It may be cliche, but rember this won’t last forevever. In the meantime keep doing what you’re doing- acknowlege how you’re feeling and focus on the little things that do make you happy, no matter how small or bizarre they may seem.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Im not going to like this post because there is nothing to like about the goings on in the UK since I have my entire family there. Look after yourself as best you can my dear, I understand from your personal perspective of how you are feeling because I’ve been there no end of times of what you describe. You just shut down and everything else around just freezes until you can feel calm again.

    Liked by 1 person

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