Let’s be honest, we have all have regrets.
In my case, in a desperate attempt to be liked by peers when I was a young girl, I listened to toxic people and believed them, letting them pollute my own thoughts.
I listened to them put me down and I agreed with them, I was not good enough. I sought their approval and tried to mould myself into the person they would like. I wanted to fit in, to be like them.
I wanted to be normal.
With age comes wisdom. As I grew up I saw the poison for what it was and made steps to detox myself and found true friends who helped me clean up the mess. At the time I thought my efforts would win the approval of others, in hindsight, I realise nothing would have won their favour.
I see now that I didn’t need others to accept me, I needed to accept myself.
I was a token. They were not my friends, their parents pitied me and forced their children to be friendly with me. Only a few of them were proper pals, unfortunately, the ones I spent the most time with were the toxic ones.
I wouldn’t call it bullying, but it wasn’t friendship. The bullying came later in High School. It wasn’t until I met Shiloh that I learned what true friendship was. She taught me self respect. She was the one who stood by my side when I was at my lowest and when no one else did.
A good example of trying to heal yourself from your past is A Silent Voice. A story following a young man as he tries to help heal not only a girl he hurt in his past also but himself.
He learns to move on, that he is no longer that bully but a decent person. However, he goes a bit far. Isolating himself, seeing himself as not worthy of friendship and forgiveness.
Even now as a grown woman I still suffer from trust issues and low self-esteem from my childhood experiences. I have been told to just get over it, but those who have been in my place know that is not how it works.
However, I’m not alone anyone. I have the support of my family, close friends and the amazing folk in the blogging community. Those who understand me and accept me, weird quirks and all. I spend my time with those who like me and only laugh with me, not at me.
Nothing will change the past. What I can do is make sure I never repeat the mistakes of yesteryear. To keep walking into the light and keep the darkness out of the future.