Confessions of Lonely Nerd

Another year, another Valentine’s Day spent alone.

Well, not entirely since I’m working today but you get the idea. I have never had a Valentine. In fact, one of my exes asked me out the day after Valentine’s Day! That should have been a red flag for the relationship I ended up in with them. Painful story cut short, He wanted to do things I was not comfortable with so I left and around that time I had come to grips with the fact I’m gay.

So, at least one good thing came out of it.

Thing is, I’ve never really cared about Valentines. It’s just a regular day for me. It doesn’t make me feel lesser for being single or anything like that.

Of course, I do feel lonely every now and then. It doesn’t help that most of my friends are either dating or in a long-term relationship. Hell, I’ve been single for about five years now.

I got dumped by my last girlfriend by text and I will admit, that really stung.

I have tried to put myself out there but I keep getting rejected, there is only so much rejection you can take before you think “screw this, I tried. Clearly, it’s not working” and give up. I have reached that point.

Do I want to find a girlfriend? Of course I do, however at this stage in my life I don’t think I am ready for that. I barely have any time outside of college, coursework and my part-time job so any time I do have to myself I spend playing games.

Also considering that video games are one of the few things that bring me any joy outside of my weekly D&D sessions I’m not exactly willing to give that up.

On top of that, I don’t really think I deserve love. Yeah, I know saying that makes me sound over dramatic but it’s true. At least, I don’t deserve it now. I need to get myself into a better state of mind before I can even think about dating again.

Plus, if I learned anything from my previous relationships, I suck at the whole romance thing in the first place. I have tried I’m just bad at it. My idea of a romantic night is playing games, most likely a co-op one, with a few bottles of wine and some chocolate while wrapped up in blankets and burning candles.

I like to think there is someone out there for me, a soulmate or something, but being honest here I doubt it. However, maybe one day I’ll meet her. Maybe.